


The Show

by LeastExpected_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Incest, Kinky/Squicky Pairings, M/M, Multi, Multiple Partners, movie-based
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-04
Updated: 2002-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:14:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26213236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeastExpected_Archivist/pseuds/LeastExpected_Archivist
Summary: By GW KatrinaWhat happens when a group of strangers get the Fellowship on Jerry Springer?
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Elrond Peredhel/Legolas Greenleaf, Frodo Baggins/Sam Gamgee
Kudos: 1
Collections: Least Expected





	The Show

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Amy Fortuna, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Least Expected](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Least_Expected), which has been offline since 2002. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Least Expected collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/leastexpected/profile).
> 
> Disclaimer: If I owned them, I wouldn't be writing fanfic. I'd be making money  
> Feedback: Of course. It is my lifeblood. Very much important  
> Story Notes: This was created after too much sugar, and too little sleep. It may turn into a series, I'm not sure.

The Show

The producer looked at the group around him. "I have just one concern. Will this idea cause mental anguish, physical violence, and/or bloodshed?"

The women, and few men, who made up the group looked at each other. Finally, one who was wearing a shirt bearing the saying 'Do not meddle in the affairs of Slashers, for we have no shame, and you would look good with other (wo)men.' nodded. "Most likely."

A pause, then the producer shook hands with the woman. "Looks like we have a show, then."

Half a world away, Legolas sat up. His eyes glazed over as he tried to see what had awoken him. Tapping Aragorn on the shoulder, he woke the ranger. "A shadow and a threat grow in my mind. We should run, change our names, and hide, while there is still time." Hearing, but not registering the fact that the elf wanted to hid, the former king mumbled something and snuggled back into bed.

"There is no running from this threat, young one. We must face it," came a silky smooth voice from his other side. With a sigh, Legolas snuggled between his two lovers. Elrond closed his eyes, and Aragorn snuggled into the warmth the elves put off.

* * *

The large group of people were talking quitely among themselves, the soft buzz of conversation the only noise. There was nothing special about these people. They looked and acted like normal, everyday, calm, rational people. At least they did until the sign flashed. Then they turned into a pack of wild, foaming animals.

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! *wild cheer as Jerry Springer steps onto the stage.*

Jerry: Welcome, everyone, to the show. Today, we will be speaking to people we all know and love. They have been famous ever since the story of their adventures were discovered and published as fiction. The star of many fantasies, it caused a uproar when it was discovered that, not only were they real, but that there were people writing about their wild love affairs. Today, we talk to the Fellowship of the Ring, and the authors who write about them!

Audience: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Jerry: Let's meet our first guest. FRODO BAGGINS!

*A bound and gagged Frodo is carried from backstage by bleeding and limping bodyguards. Jerry blinks at this, slightly uneasy. Frodo is still struggling when they place him in his chair. Large blue eyes narrow dangerously as he spots Jerry, and the host wonders if maybe this wasn't such a good idea.*

Frodo: MMMPHH!! WHMMPH UY MPH!! _his words muffled by the gag_

Jerry: _shifting nervously_ Ungag him.

*one of the bodyguards, who weigh ten times as much, and are two and a half times bigger than the small hobbit, leans forward and unties the gag, leaping back before it falls*

Frodo: I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SHAGGING!! DON'T YOU KNOW NOT TO MESS **WITH A SHAGGING HOBBIT??!!**

Audience: JER.....? *blinks. drool starts to cover the floor as they begin to imagine Frodo shagging someone*

Jerry: _blinking out of his lust induced coma_ Um, sorry. Anyway, welcome to our show. We have been dying to get you on here since we first hear of you.

Frodo: _low voice_ Not dying yet, anyway.

Jerry: *pauses at this unhobbitlike attitude. clears throat and looks at cue card* So you were the bearer of the One Ring, the most important member of the Fellowship of the Ring, is that correct?

Frodo: _rolls eyes_ Nope. You have the wrong hobbit. Of course I was the Ringbearer, Smeghead. Wasn't the most important member, though.

Jerry: _not used to having hostility directed towards him_ If you, the hobbit destined to destroy the Ring, wasn't the most important, who was? _grins, hoping to cause his guest to stumble_

Frodo: Why, Sam, of course. To me, anyway. He's the reason I kept going.

Audience: Awww. *drools some more as they imagine ways that Sam kept Frodo 'going'*

Jerry: _steps onto chair to keep feet dry_ It's funny that you would mention Sam, Frodo. Our second guest on the show happens to be no other than Samwise Gamgee.

*there is a scuffling noise from backstage. From the door that the guest enter through, Sam runs out, bearing a blade that is glowing. Before him are being driven a few of the bodyguards*

Sam: Don't worry, Frodo! I'll save you! Back, foul spawn!

Frodo: _cheers_

Audience: _cheers and hopes for some hobbit cuddling_

_Sam fights off the bodyguards, and slices the ropes from Frodo._

Frodo: _large blue eyes sparkling_ My hero. *audience gets their wish as the hobbits began to do more than cuddle onstage*

Jerry: WAIT! WE CAN'T SHOW THIS!! _looks desperatly around_ We'll be right back with one of the authors who write this type of thing.

_screen goes black, then some words appear_

Have your friends been setting you up on bad blind dates, such as Balrogs and Urak-hai, and you want to tell them to back off. Call us at 1-800-93-JERRY.

The last commercial airs, and the hobbits are still shagging on stage. Several audience members have pulled out camcorders, and are offering to sell copies of the tapes for a low fee. Jerry is desperate. He can show this stuff on his Too Hot for TV tapes, but not on regular TV. Finally, he hits on an idea.

Jerry: Welcome back to the show. *moves so the camera can't see the hobbits, but the loud moans and heavy breathing is still heard* For a special treat, we're going to let you, the audience, have a peek backstage.

Camera view changes from Jerry to backstage. There, utter chaos is reining. Merry and Pippin are watching the screen that is still showing the stage, cheering Sam and Frodo on. Beside them, Boromir is looking uncomfortable, as if he is restraining himself from grabbing the cheering hobbits. Behind the trio, a young woman is grinning like mad and scribbling on a piece of paper. She pauses every once in a while to wipe the drool from her chin, then goes back to leering at the group.

Not far away, Aragorn, Legolas, and Elrond are backed into a corner by two other women. Both are holding notebooks, and a camera is set up between them.

First Woman: Oh, come on. We don't bite unless asked. We just want to see you guys get it on. Especially Legolas and Elrond."

Aragorn: _looking slighty disgruntled_ What am I? Chopped liver?

Second Woman: Don't get flustered, Aragorn. AC lusts after Elrond more than anything. _she grinned evily_ So, if you don't want her grabbing him and running away, you might want to get started.

First Woman(AC): _mumbling_ Dress . . . Hallways . . . Mmmmmmm. _starts to drool_ HB, lets just take them with us.

Second Woman(HB): Hm. Sounds like a plan.

Both women start for the elves and man, only to pause as the three start to make out madly. AC looks over them with an artistic eyes.

AC: Elrond and Legolas look very good together, but I'm not sure about the human.

Aragorn: *growls, but nobody is sure if it's from AC's comment or what Legolas was doing to him.*

HB: _drools_

The other woman wanders over from where Boromir, Merry, and Pippin are.

AC: GW. _waves_

HB: GW. _drools on the threesome_

GW: _bows to AC and HB, then sits down next to them._ Nummytreat.

Nearby, Gimli is threatening the producer with an axe.

Gimli: Let me out of this damn place! Before that damn Gollum thing finds me!

Gollum: Precious? Where are you, my Precious?

Gimli: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! _high pitch, girly scream_

The dwarf drops his axe and hids under Gandalf's robes, only to find Bilbo, and someone totally unexpect, there.

Bilbo: *muffled. After all, he's under Gandalf's robes* Hello, Gimli. Won't you join us?

Gimli: Cousin Balin? I thought you were dead?

Balin: No, I was here the whole time. Must say, I've spent the last sixty years quite happily here.

Gimli collapses, whimpering, scarred for life by what he just saw. As he falls, he comes into Gollum's sight, who squeals and drags to comatose form into a dark corner.

Gollum: My Precious. Always with my Precious.

Back on the main stage, Frodo and Sam have finally pulled apart, much to Jerry's relief. That relief mutated to horror as they began to give pointers to the audience, who have mysteriously pulled out notebooks and are taking notes.

Jerry: No. _puts face in hands, and whimpers_ Go to commercial.

Know someone that's been wearing the same style since the Second Age? Not sure what shape helm or what color robes would flatter your figure? Sign up now for our Third Age Makeover Special!

Gandalf's voice: No, I don't want to sign up for the Third Age Makeover Special. I like my robes. Last time someone tried to change them, I turned into Gandalf the White.

As the ads are playing, Jerry is trying to keep from pulling his hair out. Frodo and Sam were snuggling on stage, looking intrigued at some of the suggestions that the audience was tossing to them. Backstage, the three authors that they had were still cornering some of the Fellowship, demanding that they do naughty things to each other. Once the Fellowship got over their wariness, they were quite happy to do so. The talkshow host was ready to scream and toss the whole idea out.

Still, there were a few of his guests that weren't having sex, watching the people having sex, or encouraging the non-sex having ones to actually have sex. Panicing, Jerry ignored his gut feeling and decided to call on those guests. His producer signaled that they were back on.

Jerry: Once again, we are with the Fellowship of the Ring, and a few others that they faced on their harrowing journey. First off, let me introduce Gandalf the Grey. _pause, rereads the cue card_ I'm sorry. Gandalf the White.

There is a cheer from those few people who are not watching Frodo and Sam cuddle on the edge of the stage. Out walks Gandalf, clothed in shimmering white clothing. He is walking oddly, and his face is graced with a large smile.

Backstage, Sauron is patting Saruman's back(don't know with what).

Sauron: I know, I know. You are the wizard in white robes. That git stole your idea. _sigh_ That's all you've talked about for the last age and a half. Let is rest.

Saruman continued to grumble. Suddenly, he hit upon an idea.

Saruman: I'm going to sign that pouncy hobbit-fancier up for the Third Age Makeover. Show him to steal my robes.

The wizard heads over to do so, unaware that Gandalf has already done the same thing to him, in revenge for ruining his hat.

Sauron blinks, then looks at the screen, using his powers to see why Gandalf is walking so strangly.

Sauron: Hm. I didn't know he had added that hobbit. No wonder I couldn't find the Ringfinder. He's been under Gandalf's robes with that hairy newt. Wait. That's a dwarf. Ahh. It all makes sense now.

The giant flaming eye vanishes, having never wanted to be on the show anyway.

From the shadows, ignoring the giant flaming eye that just vanished, the fact that his master/father/tatoo-artist was stomping around in a pissy mood about Gandalf stealing his fashion idea, and the creepy little slimy thing that was cuddling the dwarf, he watched his true love. Unfortunatly, his true love was trying to cuddle with some halflings. For some reason, his human wanted to keep those halflings. Lurtz was caught in the middle of a problem. He wanted his human lover happy, but his master/father/tatoo-artist wanted the halflings. The Urak-hai weighed out the situation. One one hand, he wanted to make his master/father/tatoo-artist happy, for good parental guidance and advice. On the other, he wanted nookie.

After a few seconds, Lurtz decided. Who knows, maybe the halflings were up to a foursome. He moved to join them. As all four began to make out wildly, drawing the woman who had been watching Boromir, Merry, and Pippin originally. She drooled and took notes, grinning evily.

Onstage, Jerry is trying to get his show back on track, when there is a loud moan and cheers from the audience. Turning, he sees that Frodo and Sam are going at it once more.

Jerry: Stop that! *kicks out with his foot and knocks the pair into the audience.*

There is an ominous silence. Jerry shifts as he realizes that everyone in the audience, except for the ones that Sam and Frodo landed on, were staring at him. One rose, reaching behind her. Pulling out a sign from hammer-space, she shows it to Jerry.

Sign: NOBODY MESSES WITH THE HOBBITS

Woman: My name is Joyful. Prepare to die.

Joyful leads the charge. Jerry screams in a high voice and runs, silently vowing to never do another show with these insane people again.

Backstage, the woman in the 'Slashers' shirt is talking to the producer.

GW: Look at it this way. These are your best ratings you've ever gotten, and the show hasn't even been broadcast around the country yet.

Producer: Good point. Plenty of mental anguish, physical fighting, and Jerry's about to provide the bloodshed. All right, we have a new show idea.

The clip for the next show runs.

Know someone that's been wearing the same style since the Second Age. Not sure what shape helm or what color robes would flatter your figure? Sign up for our Third Age Makeover Special!


End file.
